It’s Christmas vacation and your son is home from college to spend time with the family. He seems quieter than usual, and then one evening he takes a deep, slow breath and says, “Mom, Dad…can we talk?” Right away, you know something serious is up and you conjure up all sorts of scenarios, yet you want to be there and be supportive of him, whatever it is.

“Sure, son. What’s up?”

“I’m gay.”

So what happens when a loved one “comes out” as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered (GLBT)? I believe that there is a process that most people go through, regardless of whether the news hits you like a ton of bricks out of the blue or it confirms what you have guessed already. Something very significant has changed. Your child has a “new” identity and he may seem like a stranger, someone you didn’t know so well after all.

Integrating the “new” identity of your gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered loved one does not happen overnight. And that is important for each to keep in mind in looking for understanding and support from the other. (Throughout this article when I refer to your child, it could apply to any family member or close friend.)

I like to refer to the stages of coming out as the Five “O’s”:

1. Feeling overwhelmed by the news about your loved one’s GLBT identity.
2. Considering the options regarding accepting your loved one’s new identity.
3. Experiencing the impact of the attitudes of other people … the naysayers/crazy-makers versus the supporters.
4. Recognizing the opportunities that are now available to you in your relationship with your GLBT loved one.
5. Discovering growth from your newfound openness in your relationship with your loved one and others as well.

Overwhelmed

As a gay man, I remember being concerned about coming out to my family, particularly to my parents. I didn’t feel like I fit into the stereotypes that I had grown up with, even though I knew I felt different, actually even weird in some ways. I didn’t hate women, I didn’t want to swish around, and I didn’t want to dress up in women’s clothes. I wanted to be married and have a family. Since I had married and had a daughter as well, I was worried about whether I would lose my family and would lose the relationship with my wife and daughter that had made my life fulfilling on many levels. But was I destined to be unhappy trying to be something that I was not?

All sorts of fears and challenges came up for me. Will I lose my job and my home and become isolated from family, friends, and coworkers if I don’t hide my identity? If I leave my marriage, will I become a pariah? Will I be alone or have to find connections secretly and always be afraid of being exposed?

Many people whose children "come out¨ to them also go through a period of confusion. Often the news takes them totally by surprise. Either they were so into denial and did not see any of the signs or their own stereotypes of GLBT people were counter to their image of their own children, making it hard to accept this new identity. Many ask themselves, "What did I do wrong?¨ "The child I thought I knew no longer exists." My child will never marry and have children and will be alone. I won't have any grandchildren. I fear for my child's physical safety and emotional well-being. What about AIDS? What will others think of me? How embarrassed and ashamed will I feel if others find out?

Even if you are not totally surprised, some of these concerns may come up. In addition, there are the emotional reactions of sadness (why did my child have to carry this burden alone?), disappointment (why didn’t s/he trust me enough to talk with me sooner?), and doubt (how can s/he be so sure?).

Options

You might choose to deny the truth and try to sweep it under the rug, hoping that it will just disappear. You might try to convince your child that “this can’t be true because …” or that with the help of a therapist or some special program s/he can change, be “normal,” and lead a happy life. If your spiritual or cultural beliefs tell you that anything other than traditional heterosexuality is wrong, you might choose to disown your child if s/he does not change to live her/his life as a straight person. On the other hand, you might embrace your GLBT child out of love and honor his/her and your own values of honesty, integrity, unconditional love, and nurturance, even when there is concern for his/her safety and well-being.

Other People

You cannot avoid the impact of the attitudes of other family members, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. How will those people react toward you and/or your child if and when they learn of his/her GLBT identity? There are decisions to be made, some based on choice and others that are out of your control.

If your child is very present in your daily life, his/her decision to be open about his/her identity may not leave you the option to keep it a secret. What will you do if your child wants to stay “closeted”? If you and/or your child choose to keep this information secret, you may have to tell lies, be cautious in your choice of language, or withhold information. It’s challenging to keep track of whom you have told what and to avoid certain topics of conversation. If you do choose to be up front about your child’s identity, you and/or your child may be judged, harassed, even rejected and excluded.

Opportunities

If and when you “come out,” you will find out who your true friends are. You may break your isolation and make connection with others who also have GLBT loved ones. You could find surprising support and in turn provide support to others who are also struggling. Who do you want to be around—the naysayers, the crazy-makers, or the supporters? You can live in a narrow, closed community or become part of a more diverse, open community. It may be eye-opening to see stereotypes being dispelled as your network expands.

You may find relief in not having to hide any longer. You and your child may be more authentic and communicative about who each of you really is. When you are not trying to fit a mold, you can become more complete, genuine, fulfilled individuals who can honor your own personal values. Your relationships with family and friends go deeper and are richer. You become less likely to “judge a book by its cover,” but instead look for the real person within.

Openness

The benefits of coming out can open you up to be a more complete person in other ways, not just in terms of sexual orientation and gender identity. By being more authentic and communicative, you may bring more openness to new relationships and deepen those that you have already. You will learn how stereotypes of any kind are oppressive to all and can keep you from connecting with others in a more genuine way.

When we let our hearts lead the way, it does not matter whether the people we love are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, or straight or any other identity for that matter. When we get down to the heart of the matter, our uniqueness and our diversity are what make our lives richer and make the world go round.

MRC office manager Allan Arnaboldi is a certified professional co-active coach who was trained through the Coaches Training Institute. He has a particular interest in doing individual and group coaching with GLBT people, youth, and those making transitions in later stages of life. Contact him by e-mail or visit his website The Coaches Console^SM