To my own father, home was a place to rest or recharge. He came and went as he pleased, spending most of his time working or socializing. Beyond breadwinning, the majority of the day-to-day parenting—setting limits, communicating with school, nurturing, cooking, etc.—was left to my mother. His lack of involvement was not atypical for dads of his generation.

As a modern dad, much more is expected of me and I want to be more of a presence than my own father was. Being a presence means getting involved in the “everydayness” of family life at home — no matter what your family structure is — from consistently setting limits to helping with homework to putting away the dishes. It means doing what sociologist Arlie Hochschild called The Second Shift, a term used to describe the second job most working women are left to do when they come home at night — housework and childcare. Modern dads who do the Second Shift teach their sons and daughters an expanded view of gender roles. Men don’t simply “help out” or “opt out” — they are full participants in all aspects of home life. Recent research done by John Gottman found that when men did more domestic labor, their partners were more attracted to them.

Dads who are not a presence — because they let their child’s mother (or their partner) do everything, prefer to be “fun dad” or simply ignore responsibilities — are what’s been referred to as TPFA dads (Technically Present, but Functionally Absent). For example, my dad was mostly a TPFA dad even though we only saw him on the weekends after my parents divorced. His desire to have fun, be liked, and to be our “buddy” seemed to be most important. He did little in the way of setting limits or providing consistency.

Despite how radically gender roles have shifted in the last generation, most modern dads still have a bit of the TPFA dad in us. A good way to prevent becoming a full-blown TPFA dad is to remember the old adage: our children learn what they live. If we don’t want our daughters to grow up expecting to do everything at home or our sons to grow up with the idea that participation in family life is optional, then we need to model presence.

The reality is that while modern dads are doing more, the research consistently shows that women (working or not) continue to do the vast majority of housework and child-related tasks. Whatever the family structure and no matter who is the breadwinner, dads need to model full participation in home life.

Seven Tips for Modern Dads

1. Create a vision for fatherhood. Just as a company has a mission, dads need a vision for fatherhood, a Dad’s Vision Statement. Twenty years from now, what do you hope your child says — and doesn’t say—about your relationship? By asking this question, you can be more deliberate in how you choose to spend your time, what skills you need to learn, and what behaviors you want to model.

2. Look back. Be the bridge between your own father and your children. Modern dads must sort through their family legacy, particularly their relationship with their own dad, to determine the gifts they want to pass on to their children, as well as the liabilities they must watch out for. To move toward a new vision of fatherhood, you have to be aware of the legacy you carry.

3. Set aside regular time with your children. One great way to make sure you’re spending quality time with them regularly is to create a Ritual Dad Time. This in no way should replace daily family rituals like sharing meals, walking to school, doing shared activities, reading together, etc. Rather, this is a special, once per month, one-on-one time with Dad. Think of it as the father-child equivalent of a couple’s “date night”.

4. Know your children. By knowing your children—becoming an expert about their lives—you send them a clear message that they are important and in the process deepen your bond. Beyond your focus and attention, knowing requires being a skilled listener and resisting the urge to be a “fix it” listener.

5. Be known by your children. Being known involves sharing more about who you are as a man—not just as “Dad” — with your children. Tell stories about yourself when you were your child’s age. Think of the pressures you faced, what you did for fun, challenges you overcame, who you had a crush on, etc. Letting your children know more about what you think and feel on a regular basis is essential to building a healthy connection.

6. Take care of yourself. Live the life you want your children to lead. Go for regular checkups, and listen to your doctors. One reason men die five years earlier than women is because we don’t go to the doctor as often as we should. A study out of the Johns Hopkins Children’s Center recently found that a majority of boys 15 to 19 years old believed that going to the doctor was a sign of weakness. Dads need to model differently.

7. Don’t go it alone. Talk to other dads, parents, and male mentors. One of the most important resources available to dads is... other dads! Get together informally with a couple of other dads on a monthly basis and talk about fathering. What’s been going well? What parenting challenges are you currently facing? Or, seek out a parenting group in the community or start a dads group at your child’s school.

John Badalament is an international lecturer, Harvard-trained educator, and leader in the fatherhood field. He is the author of The Modern Dads Handbook, and directed the films All Men Are Sons: Exploring the Legacy of Fatherood and Gender Traps: How Marriage Problems Start in Kindergarten
(forthcoming) johnbadalament.com