Web Editorial--October 2006
Generation Next: Can Men Be Too Nice?
By Rob Okun
Generation Next: Can Men Be Too Nice?
By Rob Okun
Can men be too nice? That question came to mind recently when I heard about a heterosexual relationship in which the woman broke off the union because her 20-something male partner was apparently "too nice." Speculating what she might have meant by that characterization, I offer these observations.
First and foremost, straight men who are "nice" get gay-baited, pure and simple. Marginalized by peers paralyzed to admit their homophobia, they have navigated the passage into contemporary manhood mostly alone, often finding few allies along the way. Keep that fundamental truth in mind in this exploration of the plight of heterosexual "nice guys."
Generation Next has among its members a (slowly) growing number of males who have rejected many aspects of conventional masculinity. They are comfortable not dominating social situations, respecting the pacing their partners set in sexual relations; they don't hide their enjoyment of such heretofore hands-off activities as cooking or knitting or theatre. While it would strike many that such young men would make ideal partners for third wave heterosexual feminists, there is a problem. Many young women are caught in the "Woman Box" just as their male counterparts are caught in the "Man Box." Many are more comfortable with conventional male behavior where men's roles are more clearly defined. Even at a time when gender identification is as fluid as it has ever been--one only need walk across the quadrangles of many college campuses, or visit progressive neighborhoods in major North American cities to see what I mean--there is a quiet strain of old school thinking about men's and women's roles undermining some of the most hopeful signs of men's liberation. (Note to self: The rise in the numbers of people unwilling to conform to societal definitions of gender identity is worth a column of its own.)
Some young women say they don't know what to make of kinder, gentler men. A guy who struts his stuff in an old-school way may cross the line and act controlling or domineering, they admit, but at least they understand where he is coming from. On the other hand, the sweeter guys, including those who have been exploring the benefits of practicing speaking "emotionalese"--risking expressing to their partners (and themselves) a wider range of their inner lives, are harder to define. But many so-called nice guys are in fact retiring or reticent in their relationships, unable to speak up for themselves (e.g., disagree with their partners). In other words, they may convey a lack of self-confidence, perhaps even a lack of a clear identity and that's what the women see as missing. In any event, some younger women are left feeling confused. When in doubt, some retreat to the familiar--even if that comfortable, older way of relating could be hazardous to their emotional (and sometimes physical) health.
Be Careful of What You Ask For
In the social transformation of masculinity the Men's Resource Center for Change and its magazine, Voice Male, have been advancing and chronicling for nearly a quarter of a century, we have seen many hopeful signs. Among them is the empowerment of women--even among those who wouldn't necessarily describe themselves as feminists. The insights of Jean Kilbourne (check out her Killing Us Softly series of compelling videos about how the advertising industry portrays women, available through the Media Education Foundation)--and the rise of such organizations as Dads and Daughters, which promotes healthy relationships between fathers and their daughters and challenges media representations of girls (founder Joe Kelly is a member of our national advisory board), are just two examples of hopeful directions for young women. But the work of Lynn Phillips (Flirting With Danger: Young Women's Reflections on Sexuality and Domination), and writer-activist Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs (reviewed in the current issue of Voice Male), suggest large numbers of younger women are caught up in the "Girls Gone Wild" paradigm, females who have misperceived their empowerment as opportunities to act out male sexual fantasies in a false sense of female liberation.
Where does all this leave nice young men? Are they trapped in a cultural vortex where their evolution into "new" men is being undermined by their female contemporaries' fear of actually getting what they want? Not necessarily. Sensitive, nurturing young men need allies; they need mentors, including the support of older men who themselves are likely still working on their own personal issues in relationships, have stepped out of the box of conventional masculinity, heading for the path of something more authentic. Young men who reject male stereotypes have little to fall back upon. So what they present to women may be less clear than what the women see in guys who strut their stuff. The latter are no less uncertain about themselves; they simply have the benefit of donning a useful mask that hides their own insecurity.
The Bush-Cheney model of manhood (or, if you prefer, the Hugo Chávez model) has gotten men caught in the socialized straitjacket too many of us still stubbornly inhabit. Older male mentors could be a first step. Younger women willing to stand with them is another. Without allies, including all the men's organizations with philosophies similar to ours, what will it take for these nice young men to be seen and appreciated for who they are and who they are becoming? The next wave in the social transformation of manhood is well underway, but there is a long road to travel. To these young men, here's a message: you are part of a movement ready to welcome you, wherever you are on the journey. Please be in touch. We need your voices so our movement can grow. Even so, a cautionary note remains: the challenge to our movement (and women's movement allies) is to raise boys to grow up believing in themselves, who bring themselves fully into relationships so their partners have someone truly present with them--not just a "nice" guy who says what he thinks others want to hear.
Rob Okun is the MRC's executive director. He can be reached by clicking here.