Toward a Feeling Masculinity

The word vulnerability makes many men (and women) cringe. Many regard it only in the negative, scary sense of being helpless, open to attack or harm. But men urgently need to understand and reclaim vulnerability in its positive sense, because vulnerability is what allows us to connect with ourselves and the world.

Consider the implications of identifying with the opposite extreme: invulnerability. To be invulnerable implies having no capacity to feel, or take in experience; to become purely rational, detached, robotlike. The fantasy of invulnerability, often expressed in images of superheroes, is a natural childhood defense that allows us to shield ourselves from the often scary, unprotected reality of our fragile human condition. But when adult men have a psychic need to cling to this fantasy, the results can be dangerous. Monstrous tyrants like Hitler and Stalin, as well as many more ordinary abusive men, warmongers, and terrorists, have in common the need to “murder” their own vulnerability. Acknowledging and feeling the ways they have been hurt is so threatening that these men organize their whole lives around avoiding it. But this is a difficult psychic task, because vulnerability is a core part of being human, and it won’t go away so easily.

SThe psychic “trick” that allows men to murder their own vulnerability is projection. Rather than having the courage to feel their own feelings, to take responsibility for and heal their own pain, these men unconsciously avoid their human vulnerability by projecting it onto others: girlfriends, children, immigrants, “the Jews,” “those Muslims”. They then reenact their past hurts on others, gaining a sense of control over their vulnerability, and unconsciously fulfilling the (natural) revenge fantasies of the abused inner child.

Of course, the price of feeling invulnerable is enormous, for the men themselves and society. Since cutting off one’s vulnerability means severing one’s connection with self and others, or subtituting only fear-based connection, such men foreit the possibility of genune love. Without self-love or connection, there is little possibility of happiness, so the potent drugs of power and control become their obsessions. The temporary "high” gained from imposing their will on others wards off, for a while, the emptiness and self-hatred at the core of invulnerable men. Deep inside them still lies an innocent little boy waiting to be held, healed, and loved; but they have chosen the path of ignorng his pleas, punishing him for his vulnerability (as their abusers did), and thus remaining identified with abuse and violence, rather than seeking out their true humanity.

I recently saw a TV documentary in which a sex offender in his fifties was being interviewed in his jail cell. This man admitted to having committed multiple, horrendous sexual offenses against dozens of children. He discussed these acts in a nonchalant way, with no hint of remorse or sympathy for his victims. At one point, the interviewer asked, “Did your father ever abuse you as a child?” The man’s features suddenly dissolved into the frightened, sad, teary face of a scared little boy. The interviewer had caught him off guard, and for that one precious moment he had been overtaken by his own vulnerability, by that scared inner child crying out for help. Obviously embarrassed, the man quickly caught himself, replied, “Well, we don’t talk about that,” and resumed his invulnerable predator persona. That fleeting moment of connection to his vulnerability held the key that could have potentially transformed this man’s life, by opening the door back to the source of his suffering. But he lacked the courage and tools to follow through, and instead he slammed the door in the face of his abused inner child, and resumed the twisted identity of a monstrous predator.

What’s So Good About Vulnerability?

In its positive psychological sense, vulnerability connotes openness and receptivity to experience. By embracing male vulnerability, we acknowledge that life is full of risk and hurt, and yet choose to remain present in our humanness rather than shutting down. Far from being an act of weakness, mature male vulnerability is an act of supreme courage. True bravery is having the strength and commitment to find the help we need to face and heal our wounds, rather than building an inpregnable fortress around them. It is taking the calculated risk to remain open, to take life in, with all its heartaches, disappointments, and self-doubts, because only by taking this risk do we open ourselves to life’s possibilities, and our own potential: for love, beauty, self-knowledge, fascination and awe.

Receptivity, or the ability to take in, is considered a feminine trait, and is rejected as such by the culture of hypermasculinity. But recently, cracks have emerged in this armor, and the possibility of seeing receptivity as a sign of strength is beginning to emerge for men. Receptivity implies true relationship with the outside (and inner) world; instead of trying to dominate, or run away from, our own uncomfortable feelings we instead take the risk of allowing these feelings to come in, to influence, inform, and affect us. Receptivity transforms men’s relationships in every realm: our relationship with ourselves (specifically, learning to know and respect our own feelings and experiences, rather than fearing and hating them and, thereby, ourselves), our relationships with others (romantic and non-romantic), and our relationship to beauty, whether in nature, art, or people. Receptivity unlocks the gates to joy, spirituality, creativity and love.

Good Boundaries: The Secret to Positive Male Vulnerability

Positive male vulnerability does not mean weakness. On the contrary, in order to be a truly positive force in our lives, vulnerability needs to be tempered by strong, healthy boundaries and comfort with ourselves. The source of our vulnerability is the inner child and man that wants to love and be loved, feel respected and seen, and feel a sense of community and belonging. It would be naive and self-defeating to leave these tender parts of our humanness totally unprotected. The world is full of unsafe places, people and situations, many of which are not the appropriate venues to express our tenderness. Positive vulnerability doesn’t mean that we allow others to abuse or take advantage of us.

This is where good interpersonal boundaries and self-esteem come in. Positive male vulnerability must be tempered with strength — the strength to say no, to know when to walk away, to know one’s limits. Positive vulnerability is a choice that a strong, healthy man can make, knowing when it is okay to open up, drop one’s guard, let the other in; and conversely, when it is necessary to pull back and protect one’s inner resources. Many men (and women) have too much vulnerability without enough ego strength; they may attract many potential partners with their openness and innocent, dreamy quality, but they lack the inner grit to take care of themselves, know their needs, or cultivate healthy mutual relationships.

Good boundaries also apply to our relationship with ourselves. Becoming receptive to our own feelings and inner longings doesn’t mean allowing these parts of ourselves to rule us and take over our lives. Like any relationship, it’s about balance, and knowing and respecting our needs; there’s a time for deep inner connection, and a time to take a break, play some hoops, read a book, shoot the breeze.

Men who truly embody strong, positive masculine vulnerability tend to be the types of guys that others in their community, male and female, are really drawn to. Men who have a healthy dose of humility, do not make others feel inferior, and show a genuine curiosity and warmth toward others are most often the men that others look up to and want to be around. They are not weak men — they are men who have an inner strength, based on self-awareness and acceptance, a gentle strength that invites, respects, and appreciates the presence of others, not a violent strength that sees others only as a means or an obstacle on the path toward fulfilling one’s needs.

Media Images and the Search for Positive Role Models

There is a dearth of famous role models for positive male vulnerability. Perhaps because these men are so rare and needed, we tend to be very moved by their examples. A handful of men come to mind: Jesus, John Lennon, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King. These men are anything but weak, but they move us so much because they embody the core traits of positive male vulnerability: compassion, openness, humility, the courage to fight for human values, and love.

Jesus’ core teachings of compassion, and his exhortation to “turn the other cheek,” were anything but expressions of weakness. Rather, his life example exposed the weakness of violence, and the unshakable strength of deeply human, divine values, our higher selves. John Lennon was an imperfect, struggling man like the rest of us, but he spoke strongly for peace, talked about men’s feelings and experiences, and wore his gentle, manly openness and kindness on his sleeve. Mandela spent 27 years in prison for opposing the brutal, unjust system of South African apartheid. Others might have emerged from that experience full of bitterness and a lust for revenge, but what makes Mandela so inspiring is that he did not let his abusers define him in that way. He met brutality, bigotry and violence not with weakness, but with the unshakable strength of positive male vulnerability—openness, dialogue, calm but firm insistence on the rightness of his cause. Gandhi’s nonviolent resistance campaign mobilized a nation, and ultimately won Indian independence from a powerful empire. Similarly, Dr. King used the power of his deeply compassionate personality, eloquence, and passion for justice, harnessed to a philosophy of Gandhian nonviolent resistance, to become the moral leader of the U.S. civil rights movement in the early 1960s, and unquestionably one of the most important and inspiring figures in all of U.S. history.

Recently, we have begun to see some movement in the mainstream media toward greater acknowledgment of positive male vulnerability. Images of male athletes crying during moments of great triumph or bitter defeat are becoming more normative. Also, there is greater recognition of the off-field contributions sports “heroes” make to their families and communities. In general, I see a trend toward greater recognition of the role of fatherhood in children’s lives, and the importance of fathers’ being accepting and supportive (i.e., showing positive vulnerability) of their kids.

Still, for every media image of positive male vulnerability, there are probably a dozen male characters who still exhibit the traditional male ideal à la John Wayne, Bruce Willis, or Captains Kirk or Piccard on Star Trek: completely in control at all times, tough, gruff, never talking about feelings or showing vulnerability in any way. When is the last time you can remember an inspiring model of positive male vulnerability being the main character in a TV series? Even more complex personalities like the doctor in the current TV series House seem to have to show some hard macho edges in order to be considered interesting enough for prime time. The enormous, untapped power of compassion, nonviolent resistance, humility, and commitment to justice may be the key to saving humanity from the fatal diseases of militarism and political/corporate greed, but apparently these traits still aren’t “sexy” enough to merit mainstream corporate sponsorship in our mass media.

Vulnerability and Male Sexuality

In the traditional ideal of male sexual conquest, sexuality becomes a vehicle to demonstrate our manliness by attracting and winning a beautiful female mate. Sex is then to be performed with manly detachment, athletic virility, coolness, and strength. In this grotesque caricature, sex is not about beauty, feeling, or love, but about the physical act of getting off and stroking our macho egos.

There is a tremendous paradox in all this because in fact, no human act is innately more vulnerable than sexuality. The act of being sexual involves, at a minimum, opening ourselves up to feeling deep physical sensations of pleasure, and being literally and figuratively naked with another person. In cultural milieus where machismo is king, sexuality may be one of the only acceptable areas for men to feel and acknowledge pleasure. While there is, of course, an active element to male (and female) sexuality, much of the wonder of sex involves its receptive qualities: taking in all the wonderful feelings, receiving the beauty of our partner’s touch, being moved by the beauty of our partner’s body and soul, and enjoying giving him or her pleasure. All of these sexual treasures involve positive male vulnerability, in the sense of being open to our own sensuality and to the beauty and excitement of getting so close to another person.

Positive male vulnerability allows us to explore the deepest mysteries of sexuality, the magical chemistry that happens when two people are both attracted, and deeply attuned, to each other. Being able to openly communicate our needs and wants, and to hear and be sensitive to the needs of a partner, can enhance sexual intimacy immensely. Moving beyond the Hollywood stereotype of the man who “knows exactly what to do” (and is secretly terrified that maybe he doesn’t!) opens whole new worlds of sexual and relational potential. Sexuality in this sense offers the chance for a profoundly deep emotional connection, which for many men (and women) is a deeply spiritual experience.

In a world of intense pressure and responsibility, all adults have an inner need and longing to “regress,” to express the tender, inner child part of ourselves that just wants to feel good, to be loved and held, to let go and let another person take care of us for a time. Freud had a name for the appropriate expression of this adult longing to let go: “regression in the service of the ego.” It isn’t about abandoning adult responsibility, but about knowing when it’s okay to give our inner child free rein. Caring, mutual sex can be a wonderful forum for filling these regressive needs, which may take the form of just wanting to hold a partner or be held; wanting to give or receive gentle caresses (overtly sexual or not); wanting to whisper sweet (or “naughty”) things to your partner or hear them whispered to you…and the list goes on. While hypermasculinity fears that such expressions are shameful or unmanly, many (if not most) women (and men) find such tender expressions to be very “manly” and quite a turn-on. Bringing a softness, along with a healthy, strong masculinity, to lovemaking invites your partner to also let down their guard a bit and allow their own regressive, inner child needs to come into play, with potentially luscious results.

Male Vulnerability and Society

In order to reach our true potential for growth and self-fulfillment, satisfying relationships, and positive contributions to the health of the world, men need to reassess our attitude toward vulnerability. The failure of traditional Western male modes of dominance and cold rationality is painfully evident. In order to save our own souls, as well as the planet, we must begin to acknowledge our interdependence upon each other and upon the web of life. Native American spirituality holds that we are all part of the sacred hoop, and must regard each other, and all of creation, with humility and respect, while still walking our own paths with strength and courage. Strong male vulnerability affirms the importance of positive human values and relationships, while rejecting the cults of violence, detachment, and male dominance.

Charlie Hertan, LICSW, is a psychotherapist, numismatist, writer, nature photographer, and two-time New England chess champion. He is currently writing a book on men and recovery from childhood emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and neglect. This article is an abridged version of one of the chapters of the book. He can be reached via his website, Charlie Hertan Photography. All rights reserved.